Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The Holidays without Mom

Thanksgiving without my mother was rough. I thought that I was okay but I've been getting flashbacks since her 6th month mark. When I let my mind go, I see her face flashing in my mind and in everything I see.

In honor of her we set up her table as it would have looked had she still been here. And since she wasn't, we had to settle on a photograph and a candle that will burn only on special occasions.

I began the day preparing the food for my family as well as crying all day. Little bursts of sadness throughout, from start to finish.  I went to visit her resting place to break down more than ever.

Thanksgiving was a solemn day for me as I reflected on all of my memories of her. She was my treasure in life and now my angel in the Heavens.

My favorite Thanksgiving memory was this one:

On Thanksgiving Eve many moons ago, in the living room of my childhood home, I sat reading as my mother prepared for the next day. The turkey, that had yet to be seasoned, was being used as a dancing partner. My mother, being the silly woman that she was, began dancing with a raw turkey for my enjoyment swinging that poor turkey by its wings simply to make her little girl laugh. She laughed along with me. She could never pass up the chance to either make you laugh or herself laugh. That was always her way, thinking of others.

I miss her. The holidays moving forward will never be the same without her. The missing part of my heart will always loom over my head and the sadness that many may not notice will always be there.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

A Year of Firsts

When someone you love passes away, the first year is always the hardest. The holiday season can bring about such emotional turmoil that many of us that have lost someone are not able to handle it. I am no different.

My Year of Firsts began with Father's Day. I always remember being able to call my mother to ask her for the hundredth time, "What should I get Papi for Father's Day?"  This year, I had no one to ask.

Chloe graduated from Kindergarten and my mother did not see the pictures of the celebration.

Daniel turned 8 and she wasn't the first one to call him to wish him a happy birthday.

Adriana even started menstruating and I couldn't call my mother to express the horror that my 10 year old was ascending into womanhood so early.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. THE first Thanksgiving without her and the reality is taking a toll on me. It started just last week, at her 6th month mark. Migraines, sleeplessness, exhaustion. Reality just keeps hitting me over and over and over again.

She's gone.

While I do know she will always be a part of my life, I can no longer touch that part of me. I want my mother. I cannot think of this woman that gave birth to me as a memory right now, especially around this time of year. I want her physically here with me and it will never happen again.

When I wake up tomorrow to prepare the food she would have prepared on this day in her kitchen, her essence will be watching over me. But if I were to turn around to speak to her, she will not be there. I will be alone wondering what could have been had she still been here.

I have not spent a holiday season with my mother in years since she lived in Florida and I lived in New York and traveling made it difficult to do. It was hard not having her around then but at least she was still here. The phone was always our salvation, speaking all throughout the day and discussing how stuffed we were from all the food we ate. And what in the world would we do with all of those leftovers!?!

I don't have that anymore.

I wrote in my journal to her last night that I wished that this Year of Firsts would hurry up and go away. Since I cannot have my mother, my perfect reality would be for all of this pain and the waiting for the "other shoe to drop" to be over and done with.  Currently I don't know what that "other shoe" is but I know it won't be pretty.

I know I will survive my Year of Firsts since I am already half way there. It doesn't negate what I'm feeling though. Being done with one finish line doesn't mean that I don't have many more finish lines to cross without her.

                                                          Video Chatting

                                                             Kindergarten Graduation

       My boy turns 8