My Year of Firsts began with Father's Day. I always remember being able to call my mother to ask her for the hundredth time, "What should I get Papi for Father's Day?" This year, I had no one to ask.
Chloe graduated from Kindergarten and my mother did not see the pictures of the celebration.
Daniel turned 8 and she wasn't the first one to call him to wish him a happy birthday.
Adriana even started menstruating and I couldn't call my mother to express the horror that my 10 year old was ascending into womanhood so early.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. THE first Thanksgiving without her and the reality is taking a toll on me. It started just last week, at her 6th month mark. Migraines, sleeplessness, exhaustion. Reality just keeps hitting me over and over and over again.
While I do know she will always be a part of my life, I can no longer touch that part of me. I want my mother. I cannot think of this woman that gave birth to me as a memory right now, especially around this time of year. I want her physically here with me and it will never happen again.
When I wake up tomorrow to prepare the food she would have prepared on this day in her kitchen, her essence will be watching over me. But if I were to turn around to speak to her, she will not be there. I will be alone wondering what could have been had she still been here.
I have not spent a holiday season with my mother in years since she lived in Florida and I lived in New York and traveling made it difficult to do. It was hard not having her around then but at least she was still here. The phone was always our salvation, speaking all throughout the day and discussing how stuffed we were from all the food we ate. And what in the world would we do with all of those leftovers!?!
I don't have that anymore.
I wrote in my journal to her last night that I wished that this Year of Firsts would hurry up and go away. Since I cannot have my mother, my perfect reality would be for all of this pain and the waiting for the "other shoe to drop" to be over and done with. Currently I don't know what that "other shoe" is but I know it won't be pretty.
I know I will survive my Year of Firsts since I am already half way there. It doesn't negate what I'm feeling though. Being done with one finish line doesn't mean that I don't have many more finish lines to cross without her.
My boy turns 8